Bangable Family Edition! With the impending royal nuptials and after having trolled the British line of succession for a few hours (did you know that the list numbers in the thousands?), I decided to introduce some patrilineal love here on BDiH with the Houses of Windsor and Holstein-Gottorp-Romanov. And since I have already profiled Edward VIII, he's included here in spirit but not in pie chart.

HISTORIC BONER(S) NO. 13 George V (right), George VI (not pictured), and Nicholas II, Eurasian monarchs

The Evidence:

Speaking of bigamy, did you know that Bormann and Himmler were pushing to legalize polygamy in Nazi Germany? The theory was that women would greatly outnumber Nazi men after the war due to the death toll from battle, and thus all of those able wombs would go un-babied. So in order to Aryanize the planet, men would be able to adopt multiple wives. And as a sort of conciliatory prize for women's submission, the first wife would be given the title "Domina." You know, the master of all the other bitches.

And here's George VI (then Prince Albert) with some unibrowed dude named Courtney. And some other guy.

Next Time: An American Poet ... I've received an overwhelming number of submissions for a certain individual, so the poet in question will have to wait ... but the latter will be up this weekend, I promise (submission edition!)

Submission Edition! This four-eyed boner comes courtesy of Michael.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 12 Dmitri Shostakovich, composer

The Evidence:

And in spite of chronic ill health, several heart attacks, and a late-in-life diagnosis of polio, Shostakovich never gave up his vodka or cigarettes. Such a total old-man, Soviet hipster.

He later died of lung cancer.

Next Time: ??? (it'll be a surprise--to both you and I)

HISTORIC BONER NO. 11 Shah Jahan, Mughal Emperor

The Evidence:

Yeah, yeah, we all get the hypothesized romantic provenance of the Taj Mahal, but what I'm more intrigued by is Shah Jahan's rumored black Taj Mahal, which he wanted to build directly opposite the one that stands. An art history professor went into all the theories behind the latter in undergrad, but......that education was a waste on all levels, since I forget what she said. Why isn't Wikipedia more thorough? Just when I thought I could get by on my laziness...

Next Time: A Soviet Composer (submission edition!)

Submission Edition! This dead boner was suggested by Mary, and he was an obvious choice, given his title.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 10 Evander Berry Wall, King of the Dudes

The Evidence:

Became a millionaire via his inheritance before the age of 22, but "squandered nearly every cent [of it] on pleasure" by the time of his death. That is the kind of $ugardaddy I need to find/seduce/acquire.

Next Time: The Mughal Empire

HISTORIC BONER NO. 9 Denys Finch Hatton

The Evidence:

I didn't realize how hard it would be to pinpoint sexy attributes of Mr. Finch Hatton. I mean, I guess I didn't pick up on the fact that Redford's character was a big-game hunter in Out of Africa (to be honest, I fell asleep and didn't finish that movie, so...). And he has The Rime of the Ancient Mariner engraved on that obelisk of his? I fucking hated that poem. -30.0.

Next Time: A True NY Dude (submission edition!)

Submission Edition! This one's for you, Jennifer. Hope Evan's cool with it.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 8 Eugene V. Debs

The Evidence:

Even though he and my boo, Woodrow, shared a mutual dislike for one another, Eugene seemed rather modest and committed to defending civil liberties, so I can get behind that. Get it? Get "behind" that? Not really, okay...

And I apologize for the small photo; Eugene began balding before there was much photographic evidence of his existence. At least photographic evidence available on the internet.

Next Time: Colonial Africa

HISTORIC BONER NO. 7 Aisin-Gioro Puyi (a.k.a. the last Emperor of China)

The Evidence:

I love that his circumstances drove his first wife to an opium addiction (does that make me a bad person?). But no offense, that Bertolucci film put me to sleep.

And, yeah, I get the fact that he was supposedly impotent. WHATEVER.

Next Time: The American Labor Movement (submission edition!)

Submission Edition! This one goes out to the always rad Jennifer C., who has a "Hot Dead Dudes" folder on her computer and dug out the following photo for our enjoyment.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 6 Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili (a.k.a. a younger Joseph Stalin)

The Evidence:

Seriously, just add a mustache and some facial hair, and you've got the second coming of Uncle Joe, pre-Revolution.

Next Time: (Post)Imperial China

HISTORIC BONER NO. 5 General William Tecumseh Sherman

The Evidence:

I'd like to deviate from the established formula for a moment to state that if I were alive and legal during the American Civil War, I would have abandoned my job as a mill girl (given my ethnicity and family's socioeconomic background) in order to become a battlefield nurse or something (a.k.a. troop prostitute), just so I could stalk Sherman. Hello? HE'S A GINGER.

And do you like how my pie chart is confused by negative values? Oh, Daytum...

Next Time: The Soviet Union (submission edition!)

HISTORIC BONER NO. 4 Edward VIII of the United Kingdom

The Evidence:

If we don't count the whole appeasement and pro-Hitler thing, abdicating one's throne for one's true love (even if she is uggerrrs) is pretty romantic and admirable. Thinking the former is why he was "banished" to the Bahamas, but no man's perfect, doyouknowwhatiamsaying?

Next Time: The American Civil War (my favorite boner yet, friends...)

HISTORIC BONER NO. 3 Samuel F. B. Morse

The Evidence:

Uh, despite his whole anti-Catholic, anti-immigrant stance (I was raised Catholic and my maternal grandparents were OTB Irish, so, uh, yeah...), that coiffed hair is pretty sexy, no?

Hence why I said he was "bangable," not "boyfriend material."

Next Time: The Windsors, pre-William and Harry

HISTORIC BONER NO. 2 Jean-Paul Marat

The Evidence:

If you ignore the whole debilitating skin disease thing--and avoid all other depictions of him--he has the makings of some "Grade A" French Fillet.

Next Time: The Age of American Invention

HISTORIC BONER NO. 1 Alexander Hamilton

The Evidence:

And (obviously) he's on the dollar bill, albeit the ten. Major swagger points for that.

Next Time: The French Revolution