My apologies, friends. Work has been all-consuming, as have been my post-work naps. But thanks be to Milo for providing the steely-eyed fodder that inspired the completion of another post.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 22 Sir Henry Wellcome, American-British pharmaceutical entrepreneur

The Evidence:

It should come as no surprise (to me) that following some actual research—beyond my ever-so-thorough aesthetic analyses of portraits—I found Sir Wellcome to be rather unattractive in character. The man and his life were a series of contradictions: a trained pharmacist who made his fortune from the packaging of drugs rather than from their effectiveness; a “devoted” father who temporarily abandoned his son at the age of three because he was “sickly;” a fundamentalist Christian with some freaky preferences in the bedroom (though--perhaps--that should come as no surprise). Case in point: Henry’s habit of (allegedly) beating his wife with a cattle whip, even when she was with child. And the fact that he once employed a labor force of 3,000 to dig up (and, essentially, loot) artifacts from Sudan for the build-up of his personal collection, perhaps resulting from an inferiority complex derived from his, well, inferior beginnings. BUT I was too far along in my "process" to abandon the subject (read: I had finished reading his Wiki page), and if I’ve included Stalin here, well then I can’t deny the man who founded the richest charity in the United Kingdom. And then there’s that whole HIV/AIDS treatment thing. So, you know.

FYI, a few of these Sir Henry Wellcome Postdoctoral Fellows are quite easy on the eyes, as well. If only I were intelligent, I could infiltrate the system and find myself a hot researcher boyfriend. Because that's the only reason to pursue a postdoc. Obviously. Welcome to my logic.

And can you believe I went the whole entry without even mentioning this mustache?

Next Time: A Welsh sailor

See, I'm not a total liar (this time). We be making this jawn weekly. I'd also like to give a shoutout to Luisa for providing the visual fodder for this week's speci(wo)men. And though I said she was going to be an archaeologist, like a dickweed asshole I dropped that piece for someone hotter, because I'm superficial like that. And I pretend to know my (critical?) straight male audience, if it even exists.

BANGABLE DAME NO. 3 Teresa Wilms Montt, Chilean poet

The Evidence:

So......we all might have to take the facts I've collected with a grain of salt, as Google provided some rather poorly translated biographies and I (very practically) took German in high school. Tut mir leid. What I could determine was that Teresa was born into a prominent Chilean family, but abandoned the life of the bourgeoisie for a pursuit of anarchism, feminism, Freemasonry, and poetry. Her husband caught her cheating on him...with his cousin. So he threw her in that convent, even though he was a gambling, alcoholic twat. And following her Midnight Express-like escape (I don't know, I'm just making that up), Teresa was mistaken for a German spy whilst trying to join the Red Cross as a nurse during WWI. Though she was able to publish frequently enough, it was probably her unhappiness stemming from the limited visitations she had with her two daughters and her depression that caused Teresa to commit suicide at the age of 28. Her life demonstrates the limitations of even an educated woman at the turn of the last century. As does the epic of Rose DeWitt Bukater. Totally fair and historically correct comparison.

I can't forget to mention that Teresa was allegedly bumping uglies with this stud. You get it, girl.

Oh, and that Cheetah Girl thing is supposed to say "embrace the reference," but Daytum can be so difficult to work with/my process of creating and editing infographics is so ghet-to.

Next Time: An American-British entrepreneur

I'm starting a Twitter account because some people told me I should. I'm also starting a Facebook page even though I hate Mark Zuckerberg in light of Jesse Eisenberg's (obviously) infallible portrayal of him in the Social Network. I swore never again to join Facebook when I deleted my personal account in 2005, but that just proves how weak my personal convictions are.

With this, I pledge to update more often. I also pledge to tweet regularly about my favorite "articles" from the Daily Mail and Dlisted. Except all stories relating to the Kardashian wedding, because that dude is fugly and I'm over it already. Been over that shit since the OJ trial/before that bitch was born.

All of the credit for this handsome find goes to Levina. And look, guys, the list has passed 20! After months of dragging my feet, this bitch is finally legal.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 21 Vivien Thomas, pioneer of cardiac surgery

The Evidence:

Look, they're stethoscope twins!

You gotta give it to Thomas for putting up with all the shit he did in his career amidst the racism of 1940's America. I suppose it didn't help that he worked both in Nashville and Baltimore, but then again my only points of reference for the latter come from a childhood visit to the Baltimore Aquarium and from watching the Wire (Omar don't scare.). I digress. In short, Thomas perfected the surgical procedure performed on patients with blue baby syndrome, but wasn't given credit for his part in this or his role guiding the surgeons during the surgery (he wasn't allowed to operate as he had only a high school diploma, due to financial complications during the Great Depression). And after training countless surgeons at Johns Hopkins, all the University could do was award him an Honorary Doctor of Laws. Because lawyers perform surgery.

I wonder what I could do with a Master's degree in museum education... Maybe they'd let me perform minor surgeries, or let me get all up in there like this dude (though I'd rather pursue my dream of becoming a urologist...). Or at least allow me to stalk the halls for hot, young, available interns...

Next Time: An English archaeologist (a layday)

Hello, strangers! I was watching The Dreamers again last weekend (totally relevant) and was reminded in the great Matthew-Theo-slapstick-comedy debate of Buster Keaton. And then I stumbled across this Tumblr, inundated with the actor's boyish good looks. Clearly I don't watch enough early film, as I ask myself how this dude's face could have eluded my long-term memory for as long as it did. And so:

HISTORIC BONER NO. 20 Buster Keaton, American slapstick actor/director/writer/producer

The Evidence:

Here, I'll do you that last favor.

Another few interested facts, garnered from Wikipedia (as always): dubbing apparently was not always en mode with film. With Keaton's early talkies in particular, he and his fellow actors would perform the script in separate takes in three languages (English, Spanish, and French or German), memorizing the lines phonetically. Random fact number two: as Buster performed all of his own stunts before signing with MGM, he actually broke his neck during the filming of one movie, but didn't realize it until years later. How the hell is that possible. I'm not even putting a question mark on that, because I just don't believe it and, in turn, am making a declarative statement.

Next Time: Mum's the word for now, but I will say that there have been too many white dudes on this blog...

Call me biased—and you’d be correct—but I have a problem with adding Lincoln’s assassin to this list. Indeed, in his place one will find mass murderers, colluding colleagues, and some of the worst kinds of racists (those with a pedestal), but I’ve bought into the infallible Lincoln lore and cannot bring myself to post John Wilkes Booth, no matter how handsome he was. So imagine how pleased I was to find—while finally reading Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation (the last pie-chart fact I attribute to her research)—that John had a brother who could be deemed a winner. Thus, a compromise:

HISTORIC BONER NO. 19 Edwin Booth, American stage actor

The Evidence:

I just feel bad for Edwin, losing his first (and then second) wife, having to publicly deal with the brotherly association that caused him to momentarily abandon his career. But if that does nothing for you, maybe this will melt your heart a bit.

Next Time: ???

Just when you thought this blog was history--BAHHHHHH, just kidding--the saaaaxy is back. Thanks to Edmond for this tip, and for being an enabler in my posting of bad puns and lame art history jokes.

BANGABLE DAME NO. 2 Emmy Hennings, Dada performer and poet

The Evidence:

On a more serious note (and so I don't get harassed again for seemingly objectifying a woman), I kind of feel bad for Emmy. From an article I read: "She lived on the verge of poverty most of her life, was the victim of male domination (even among some of the Dadaists), was a failure as a mother, and as a stage performer was constantly uprooting and moving without destination or purpose. It is not surprising that she viewed life as senseless and oppressive." And thusly (or for some reason that could not be garnered from a 10-minute speed read) she abandoned Dadaism for Catholicism. Now that--the confirmed sixth-grader in me can agree--is depressing. But at least she had a killer bob and bangs. Total girl crush.

Next Time: A dude. That's as far as I've gotten.

This one's a shoutout to the hometown, the City of Brotherly Love. Shoutout number two goes to Miranda, who first alerted me of Cornelius' existence.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 18 Robert Cornelius, American chemist and pioneer in photography

The Evidence:

For five dollars, you could have commissioned Cornelius to capture your likeness in one of his two daguerreotype studios in Philadelphia. I’m not sure how much $5 was worth back in the 1840’s—though Google tells me an 1840 Liberty Seated dollar could run upwards of a grand these days—but common sense tells me that that is a small price to pay for being in the same room as that face/hair. The reduced exposure time of one minute left so much more time to the imagination, right, right?

And I don't know where that shot at the work ethic of my fellow Americans came from, though I have been watching a lot of Married...With Children lately...

Next Time: Another lady, though I don't yet know whom (don't want to disappoint the straight guys and produce another "Anne Hathaway's more boring cousin"...)

I present you not with presidents today, but rather a 2-for-1: the first in both the Notorious Lovers and Bangable Brüdern series. Thanks to Tyler for the initial Bosie tip.

HISTORIC BONER(S) NO. 17 Lord Alfred "Bosie" Douglas (left), poet, and Francis Douglas, Viscount Drumlanrig (right), politician

The Evidence:

* Of other people

The Douglas family was a piece of work. Their grandfather died in a reported shooting accident, which many believed to have been a cover for suicide. One of their uncles died during the first ascent of the Matterhorn (a rumored homicide), while another committed suicide by slitting his throat (only years after attempting to abduct a little girl). Their father accused both Bosie and Oscar Wilde of sodomy, a criminal offense in Britain at the time, which prompted such endearing father-son exchanges as "I detest you," "you miserable creature," and "I cried over you the bitterest tears a man ever shed, that I had brought such a creature into the world...you must be demented." And to top that off, Francis died at the age of 27 in a mysterious hunting accident, which may or may not have been a suicide or homicide.

And, oh wait, I hate Troy Aikman. His image is now ruining this moment for me. -40.0.


That said, I want to thank Thea and her blogmates for bringing to my attention "The Pocket Book of Boners." Illustrated by Dr. Seuss.

Next Time: An American Chemist and Photographer

AND the dudes are back! I'm not sure to whom I ought to attribute this tip, other than to a Jezebel thread. Email me if he was your idea!

HISTORIC BONER NO. 16 Zhou Enlai, First Premier of the People's Republic of China

The Evidence:

Come on, guys, tomorrow's Valentine's Day. You know you'd rather be cozying up with the "midwife" of the Great Leap Forward than with your boyfriend/girlfriend/cat.

And I know I'm mispronouncing his surname. I cite poetic license.

Next Time: A Notorious Lover, No. 1 (we're making this a series, guys...)

'Tis that time of year when the enterprising young ladies of America enable my gluttony. And so, with a mouthful of Girl Scout cookies, I present the first in the long-awaited series:

BANGABLE DAME NO. 1 Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts

The Evidence:

More on the first two points: Juliette and her husband, William, were nearing divorce when he died in 1905, so perhaps her plight in being a single woman was not as trying as for some. However, William apparently left his entire estate to another woman, to which Juliette (later) replied, "No one was going to get away with that!" She fought the system and homegirl took back $500,000, even though it was in settlement money. Bitch still got some of her green, I guess.

Next Time: Communist China

I felt a little unworthy of the cause when I discovered my own "research" had not uncovered the hotness that was the following BDiH. He was instead first brought to my attention by Ingrid, who is herself part of a very worthy cause (we history people love our libraries!).

HISTORIC BONER NO. 15 Lewis Powell, would-be assassin

The Evidence:

Yeah, he was a racist, yeah, he tried to murder someone, and yeah, he had a violent temper, but he wasn't the one who assassinated Lincoln. And he was really, really hot.

And I'm just going to leave it at that.

Next Time: It's finally time for the ladies!

Whoop whoop! Shoutout to all the rad sites that have given mention to BDiH in the past few days, and also to everyone who has sent in submissions. My inbox is overflowing with hotness! I promise to be on my A-game and publish the pie charts more promptly, since it will obviously take some time to highlight all of these boners (please note: I use the term freely to describe hot guys in my everyday speech. I know it sounds juvenile, but then again, I suppose it's an adequate reflection of me). Now to get on with the important stuff!

I have had an overwhelming number of suggestions for one dead dude in particular (yes, I have had a similar number for Lord Byron, who I will make mention of shortly). I had no idea there was such a following for this guy! So I want to thank everyone who has submitted his name, and I'd like to give a shoutout to these ladies in particular, since they were among the first submitters: Ani, Jenna, Danielle, Marisa and Emily. Thanks, guys!

HISTORIC BONER NO. 14 Nikola Tesla, inventor and engineer

The Evidence:

I don't know why Tesla wasn't on my radar earlier: his belief that women would become the future dominant sex, his revulsion to pearl earrings (sorry, Vermeer), his reasons for being a vegetarian, his Teslascope for communicating with extraterrestrial beings. And though I'm on the fence about this whole celibacy thing, whether or not that makes the unattainable more appealing, it seems the chicks were totally into him around the turn of the century. Though, uh, there was that whole pro-eugenics thing...

And let's just assume that all posts that follow are "submission editions" for the time being, in light of the number of excellent tips I have received.

Next Time: American Would-be Assassin